Depression Stories - story645

So I was the lonely friendless (sometimes bullied) kid in elementary school and my home life wasn't anything awesome either. When my dad ditched us in third grade and we had to switch schools in 4th, my brother took it out on the world and I took it out on myself. I used to fantasize about jumping off the stairwell in school, so much so that I can still picture that damn stairwell today-it covered a couple of floors and at the top was this flimsy railing and a decent gap for 9 year old me to fit through if I jumped. I ended up with a mix of depression and ADD diagnoses, but my mom doesn't believe in therapy nor in medication and so I ended up spending a lot of time in the social worker's office. She was probably one of the few people who I felt really liked me or something.

I think it calmed down a bit in high school 'cause I moved from a teeny tiny private school to a huge magnet school-so I was now in a building full of all sorts of kids who more or less also valued being kinda geeky. I'd also started building up a support system of friends and not-blood family that I mostly still have to this day. The depression didn't really kick in again 'til senior year of high school, when I got scared enough of the ideation (and very possibly was feeling a bit attention starved) to tell my entire English class that I wanted to kill myself over the weekend. Bless my teacher for strongly encouraging me to go see the school counsellor after that little outburst.

After that, it again calmed down until I got all burned out in college and it ended up contributing towards trashing my transcript. I would get so unfocused and scared about completing stuff that I wouldn't turn work in-even for classes that I was acing. I'd also just not show up sometimes-I blew off my final and classes to read manga and 'cause I didn't feel like getting out of bed-it was a couple of days of wearing pajamas and not showering and literally just getting out of bed only when necessary. I was getting tons of incompletes-but I'd never complete those either and they ended up turning into Fs. It got so bad that I ended up with more Fs then my schools retake policy would let me overwrite with better grades. I also had people concerned that I'd developed an eating disorder since the stress was making me throw up almost everything-to this day, I have a strong affection for toast 'cause it always stays down.

The only thing that ended up kicking me out of my zombification was my (then undergrad, now grad) advisor telling me that he wouldn't let me work on my project if I didn't get help. Now yeah, he's technically not allowed to do that-but seriously nothing else had/would have worked. To this day, I'm insanely appreciative that he tries to work with my ADD (and tries to get me to work with it) instead of telling me to fight it. So, because of his motivation, I got myself to the school counsellor and it helped enough that after a month or two I was completing things and I ended up graduating with honors.

Man, even if you don't use it-thanks for giving me the opportunity to write it down.

Image via xkcd.

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