This is my closest story of suicide success. I tried suicide three other times but this is the closest I got and I do not know how I survived. I sat in my car in the garage with the engine running and the door closed with plenty of time before anyone was due home. I was living with my dad at the time. It was after a breakdown (i was around 26? it is still a blurry time) and during the time they were trying to figure out what was going on with me. The last thing I remember is being in the car and the next thing I remember is my dad waking me up and I was in my bed. I was so confused. He was wondering why the keys to my car were in the middle of the floor and why I was sleeping. I asked what time it was and he said 6:40 and I asked if it was morning or night. I have wondered many times how I got in the house. I do not remember. I wrote in my journal each time I tried and left whatever I was last thinking to whomever would find my musings. Basically it read the same; I am no good to anyone, I make everyone unhappy, and I love you all but I just can't make it because there is too much pain. Was there an angel watching out for me? Was I just meant to be for the beautiful daughter I have now? Did my deep survival instincts kick in? I don't know. All I know is the story is the same for anyone who is depressed. Our bodies and brains are so foggy during this time that it makes it so we cannot fight the heavy blanket that is depression. So many survive and the ones that do not are accidents. I believe that we as humans cannot truly take our own lives because our survival instincts take over but there are times that it cannot fight what was started. We don't want to die. We just want to be free from the body aching, mind screaming, heart wrenching pain that must be endured when depression hits. Please reach out for help. You are not the only one. There are many who understand and they want to help. Please let them help. You are loved.

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