Apparently I lack all the willpower.
Sunday morning around 2am something I was doing crashed, for about an hour I tried to fix it and get it back. Was not working period, it made me feel useless.
At that time no one else is up, usually from 10pm till 4 or 5 am I am alone. Left to my own thoughts and devices, sometimes good sometimes very very bad.
My emotions haven't been stable for awhile. I don't have any form of health insurance, so seeking help is financially out of the question. Workers compensation has looked into, and by looked into I mean they made me have a psychological AME once. Nothing more, even after many break downs at workers comp doctor's offices and actually asking for help.
Well one nurse prescribed Xanax, he was the only nurse to listen. Sadly the rest were woman. Well after one Xanax, I got sleep paralysis. It took me about and hour of moaning to get Partner to wake me up. I haven't taken it again and talking to that nurse on the phone he said I shouldn't. I have nothing to help with will anxiety except Partner and myself.
About 2am-3am I am freaking out trying to fix it, just crying and tell myself how worthless I am. After that I just laid on the couch crying and telling myself I just want to die everything is extremely hopeless, that I really don't deserve to live because since my injury I am just a burden.
I keep telling myself this and I just want to eat something, around 3:30am I start looking through the fridge for anything I can try and eat, anything I don't have to make but can binge on. Nothing is appealing to me so I want fast food, I want tons of fast food, I want to eat till it hurts. I go back to laying down and crying and telling myself I am worthless also while trying not to grab my car keys and go eat my feelings in breakfast sandwiches.Trying to tell myself that I do not need the food and that needing it just makes me more useless.
This lasts till around 4:45 am, I am still crying and telling myself I am a burden and just shouldn't exist. I then grab my car keys and leave the house bra-less and in slippers and drive to carls jr. They don't have breakfast biscuits yet so I order 2 burgers and 2 breakfast burritos.
The entire time waiting for the food I keep thinking how useless I am and how will I ever explain this to Partner. I am the financial person, I say yes and no to things and am the bad guy when it comes to buying things. I always have to put my foot down and say "no this money is for bills". Yet there I was buying 10 dollars worth of food we can't afford.
I hadn't had a fast food binge in months.
I get my food, I get home, park and eat crying in the car wondering how much Partner will hate me for spending this money.Just telling myself how angry he is going to be and how angry I am with myself also. I am just eating it, not even enjoying is just making sure I finish it all.
I am crying, eating and thinking it would be easier if he caught me eating. I finish and I sit there thinking I should sleep in the car, I don't even deserve to sleep on the couch. I am worthless. I feel worthless I can hardly think of anything else but that I am a bad person.
I mean currently I can't work. I just did the most selfish thing and spent money I didn't earn then I also have to ask him to replace it. I am such a burden.
Around 5:45 am I go back inside just feeling completely useless. I know I should go to bed. I just hate myself, I am the worst of the worst. I spent money that I don't have on stuff I didn't need. I want to just die. I take the receipt with me to the bedrooms to sleep thinking maybe if I tell him while he is half asleep he wont remember and I can just put it on our budget and he wont be the wiser. I feel ashamed of this, but I feel it's better than having him be angry at me. He could never be as angry as I already am at myself.
So I start, "Hun, I went to carls jr" but then I just lose it, start crying and sputtering, barely forming words, " I wasted money on food, I am sorry, so sorry. I hate myself. I am sorry". He just jumps up, apparently more awake than I thought he would be. Starts holding me and telling me it's okay. He keeps assuring me as I am saying sorry through all my sobbing. I tell him that I am pathetic, that he should be mad, that I am a horrible person. He just keeps telling me he understand, that he isn't the slightest bit made at me and that everything will be okay.
For about 30 minutes he is trying to calm me down as I keep telling him he should be mad, that I am sorry and that I am such a burden.
Just writing this all out has me crying again.
I am the financial gate keeper, all the money goes into my account, all the bills gets paid through my account and I let myself be selfish.
I know I have no control with certain foods and Partner understand this. It's why we don't buy donuts.
He tells me next time I need to just wake him up and that he wont be mad. I tell him I shouldn't because he works and needs all the sleep he can get. But he keeps assuring me that it will be fine and that I am the single most important person to him. That if waking him up when I first start breaking down will help that I need to just do it before I lose to myself.
I finally calm down, still feel bad, but he keeps telling me it can be replaced and that everything is fine. I do finally fall asleep. When I wake up I don't want to leave the bed, I still feel bad, so I sleep some more. Then Partner comes to see if I am awake at a time I actually am and I just start apologizing and crying again. He comforts me more and tells me it's okay, that everything will be fine and that he isn't mad period. That I am the most important person to him and he isn't even the slightest bit mad at all. He is holding me the whole time while I am just in a flurry of sob filled apologies. I eventually calm down again. He makes me something to eat, to help calm me down. It works I feel better and am just so happy that he is so understanding with this.
I have a bad relationship with food, there was a time in my life that I ate fast food/greasy food only because anything else made me feel sick. I couldn't keep other things down. I eventually worked my way through that, but I'd still have binges. Binges where I would eat as much as I could, eat till it hurt. But I never purged it. This is still a real problem for me. If I get too emotional I will eat till I hurts, whether it be home cooked or bought.
I am so happy Partner understand and tries his hardest to keep me from those situations. He can be a bit of an enabler, when he knows I am sad he will feed me to cheer me up. Due to financial restraints I can't do the fast food binge often. So I am kind of glad for the financial problems. Though the financial problems mean I can't seek professional help either.
Even though I can't go on fast food binges, I can still go on food binges. Eating till it hurts and making myself feel better by feeling others things.
I just felt like I would share this with you guys, I'd like people to see more perspective of eating issues from a large woman.
Fat shaming would never help me, it never did.
Just recounting this makes me an emotional wreck, I have had many days like this, it is my first time writing it out. It's not a rare thing for me, my stress has been rising since my injury. It's so hard to truly watch what I eat, when the littlest thing can send me into a depression filled feeding frenzy.