i had a dislike for myself since i was very young, a dislike re-inforced by my mother whom had made it her life mission to have me be as messed up as humanly possible. since i was 3 she had me in and out of therapist offices and doctors, and had me on as much medication as she could get. i was a zombie because of this, and anytime doctors started to argue and express interest in lowering my doses she would take me out and get me a new doctor or therapist. her attitude towards me was very negative. i was either too nosey, to talkative, to curious, to hyper, to childish. so she had me diagnosed with all kinds of things like aspergers, tourrets, ADD, ADHD, autism. i was on a coctail of pills till i was 18. and by the time i was a 14yr old in highschool i was understandably negative about myself. in my mind, i wasnt "normal" unless i was brimming with pills. something was wrong with me and i was undesireable unless i had these chemicals in me altering who i was. one of the many pills she had me on were anti-depressants which then promptly made me suicidal and caused REAL problems. her wish came true and i actualy developed a REAL condition, and now that i actualy needed help she dismissed it and said it was merely a grab for attention. so i even became ashamed of my depression on top of myself. i suffered in silence and coped with self harm, and fantasies of dying. thinking i was such an awful messed up undesirable human, that it was for the best. then fast forward to today, i am now handicapped from a car accident i had at 19. now im depressed again because what little self worth i had before has been utterly crushed by feelings of being a burden on everyone. and again i cant talk about it because i need to "get over it" or "think about what i have" and i hear these dismissive, hurtful things that seek to deny the existance of my internal struggle as if its ungratefulness. im just about 25 now, and i worry ill never not feel shame for being depressed.

why do we do this to eachother


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